I want to have the most flawless baby skin, a hologram
of your darkest fantasies lit off my cheekbone,
a shadow government seething in my thigh gap.
I want to call you bae. I want to call you boo. kiss me because
I’m so into you that you see my image when you close your eyes. witness
how my lipstick never fades. it’s made for stories that tell themselves on loop.
I want a secret life where all I do is buy things
that make my body feel more liquid.
oh bobby how I miss you. I’ve been doing yoga in the mountains
and drinking buckets of sunshine. I’ve been keeping track
of my steps on my wrist
o how you’d eat loaves of bread with your beautiful bare hands.
no video would do.
- Lilacs for Shay. There’s a picture of Shay after a funeral, it was one of those spring days where it feels like the entire city is emerging from a violent storm into the sunlight, which is a day I have not yet experienced. Shay is carrying lilacs and wearing a suit and I looked at it and imagined he felt a kind of joy.
- James gets pansies, though I’m not sure why. I guess he just likes small, bright things.
- Paul gets prairie flowers. The only flowers he said he would get a tattoo of. I imagine them to be black eyed-susans and bachelor’s buttons. / aster in the lapel like a bible salesman /
- Sunflowers for Idan. It is always the sunflower emoji he signs off with. He asks why he has to pick a favorite and was put off by my reasoning. Anyway, I am always asking him for things and here in return are some very tall things, taller than you or I.
- I’m a little apprehensive about asking my father, though I know his heart is a perfect biome for many kinds of flowers to grow.
- and Joshua, how I would have loved to have given you roses when we were together. I always thought you’d appreciate them more than I would, but I always demanded to be the recipient of all beautiful things. Perhaps that was my greatest sin against you. Anyway, I want you to have these now. Not that they absolve me of my sin, but because when you were young you learned to care for them, and I trust you to remember how.